Feelings

I thought I knew how to say it, but now I don't. I know what I feel, but it's hard to put it into words. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but my feelings are hurt all the time. My feelings are always hurt because sometimes I really think my dad thinks that his girlfriend and her kids are the real family and not me. Once my dad's girlfriend gave my brother money to buy something for us to drink to make us go away, to get rid of us so she could be alone with my dad. We were supposed to be eating breakfast together. That really made me mad. I just wanted to shove her away and tell her to leave my dad alone.

My dad tells me that the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because he says that I don't want to be with him and I don't talk to him when I'm with him. That's not true. The reason why I don't talk to him so much is because I don't have much to say to him and he doesn't let me have feelings. He tells me not to cry. When ever I have to say goodbye to him he tells me that I can't cry. That makes it worse. I'm not mad at him or anything, I just don't want to talk to him cause he won't let me have my own feelings. My mom says there's nothing wrong with having feelings. There's nothing wrong with being sad to leave someone you love.

I wish that my dad had a girlfriend that liked children and who is nice, then maybe he would like children too.

Another time my feelings were hurt was when my dad told my mom that he wasn't the one raising me. I heard him say that over the phone when he was talking to my mom. I felt like my dad wanted nothing to do with me and I didn't like that. It also hurts when he says the reason why he can't come up and see me is cause the gas is too expensive. He always has gas money to do other things, but not enough to meet us in Santa Barbara so I can spend some time with him. Gas money is more important that I am.

I have to be someone I'm not in order to be with him and I really don't like it.

I would like it if my dad called me more often on my cell phone. He said the reason he bought me the cell phone is so he could talk to me. I think the real reason is that my mom told him I'm not old enough to have one cause I'm not old enough for the responsibility. He bought me the phone anyway, and now he hardly ever calls me. Maybe once a month. I'm usually the one calling him, and I'm not the parent.

My Nana said that maybe what he can do is get me a doll from every country he visits. I think that maybe then he would see me more often giving me the dolls. My dad travels a lot. I never get to go with him cause it's his work. He gets back to the hotels late and it's boring work meetings. He never calls me from his trips. I always thought it was cause he couldn't. Usually my brother's the one who tells me that my dad is gone, or my grandma or someone else telling me he's gone. Occasionally he'll tell me when he's leaving. This last time I called him he told me that when he gets back from his next trip, and I get home from horse camp, he said that we'd find a way for me to spend some time with him, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

When ever I do get to spend time with him, he leaves me with my Aunt Cyndy. She's sick in the mind. Once her husband Dave told one of my cousins that it was inappropriate for my step dad to be living with me cause they aren't legally married. When he said that I just wanted to tell him to shut up. It's none of his business. He's not even related to me. Dern's a really good dad to me. If it wasn't for him I would never get to spend time with my mom cause she'd always have to work. My aunt told my cousin that if my step dad really did marry my mom then I wouldn't be related to her anymore. I told her that wasn't possible. No matter what happens to my mom, I will always be related to my cousins. I wanted to ask my Aunt why she would say that. She's mean to me. The last time I was there she told me that I was parenting my cousins by just simply trying to teach my cousin how to do multiplication right. She threatened to call Grammie, my other grandma and say that I was acting up bad. I wasn't really scared cause I knew Grammie was smarter than that and knew that I wouldn't really do anything bad.

If I don't end up at my Aunt's I'm just dumped off at my grandmas. Not that I don't like being there, my grandma's really nice to me, we watch TV together and every night when I go to bed she comes into my room and sits there with me till I'm just about asleep and then she'll give me a kiss goodnight and go to bed. I really like it when she does that. It's nice knowing that she cares for me. My grandpa goes out really early in the mornings to go to the Y to go swimming with all his friends. My grandma stays awake and I usually get up and go lay in bed with her. I like it when I do that cause she tells me what's going on and what's happening with all my family when I'm away. I like this time with my Grammie.

When I spend time with my dad I would like to go to his apartment and maybe rent a couple of movies and stop by Cold Stone or Jamba Juice. I would like to watch the whole movie sitting with him on the couch cause the only other TV is in my brother's room. I'd really like to spend the night with my dad and my brother. When ever I go see them my brother shows me his salt water aquarium. I really that. I don't like to sleep in my cousin Kelly's room cause she has posters on her wall that scare me. I would like to get there a little bit earlier than I usually do cause then I'd have more time with them and not just pop in for a second and have to go home or go to bed.

When I get to finally see my dad I'd like to spend the time with him. Not that I don't love my other family members, but I miss my dad.

My Uncle Billy is more of a father to me than my dad sometimes cause he's the one who always writes back to me on my blog and when ever we see each other he always sits with me and we watch TV if we have time. He also lets me have feelings. He always tells me he loves me and always gives me a hug. He's never yelled at me once. He always tries to treat me and my little cousins the same. No one is more special. I really like it. One time he even took us to a movie on Christmas day. Everyone else ended up going, but I felt that he was the one who wanted it to happen the most. I really like it when my Uncle spends time with me cause it makes me feel loved.

My 17 year old brother Connor is usually nice but he says that I harass the cat. He also says I can't swim very well. Usually he's nice on the phone, but he also gets mad and gets a little mouthy to me. When ever I say something he turns it into negative. This upsets my dad. Then he gets mad cause my dad yells at him about turning everything I say into negative. Sometimes my dad exaggerates a little bit.
Sometimes when my brother, cousins and I swim at Grammie's house, Connor gets mad at me. He says the reason why I can't play is cause I always get him in trouble, I cry and I cry to grammie and that my cousins swim better than me. He acts like my cousins are the sisters and not me. I really would like it if he would play with me too cause I like it when my brother plays with me. I wouldn't mind if he even threw me in the deep end cause I know that he would always help me if I needed it.

If I could have my way, my dad would get rid of his stupid girlfriend and meet someone nicer. My brother would play with me and my cousins the same and not say that I can't swim as well as they can. I'd like it if my dad would want to spend time with me and understand if I don't have anything to say to him sometimes. It's nice to just be with each other and not have to talk specially if someone doesn't let you have feelings. That's pretty much it. I would also like to spend time with my grandma and grandpa and my little cousins, but not with Aunt Cyndy or Dave at all.

Cody